You have to put a big part of yourself on the back burner when you first become a mom. Connor's first six months of life I don't think "I" really existed. After he started sleeping through the night and became easier to leave with family or a sitter I started to find myself again. BUT it was only from time to time, "I" was still waiting behind the scenes.
At Connor's year birthday I could feel the balance between mommy and Amanda. He loved to play independently and slept through most nights. What more could a mom ask for!? Here I am six months later and I'm still feeling lost. I'm ready for myself to jump back into the ring of life but I just can't seem to find it.
At first I thought the lost feeling came from being unhappy in my employment situation. I had a nice job but didn't want to work for them anymore. I was ready for the "next thing" and wanted to move on. It took me a while to find the "next thing" but I finally did. I started my new job this March. The new job had me excited and I was feeling like a "new" me. I'm back to feeling lost now that the newness of the job has worn off.
I used to teach and practice Reiki on a regular basis. I used to bead on a regular basis. I used to meet up with girlfriends on a regular basis. I look at these options for finding myself and none of them seem appealing. While I love Reiki, beading and hanging out with girlfriends, I feel like I need to do some soul searching and find out want I need from within myself, not outside.
I'm tired of getting caught up in the negative, the drama, and the mundane every day. I'm ready to start living with purpose! I want my actions to mean something and to accomplish something.
I'm having a "Girls Night In" in August. My close girlfriends are coming over and we're going to make Vision Boards. Vision Boards are a collage of pictures put together to help you focus on what you are looking to accomplish (long story short).
I guess my problem is now that I'm not sure what I want my Vision Board to look like or work towards! I know when I start making it I'll be guided in the right direction. Its just hard to, "Let go and let God" these days. I've always been good at manifesting what is needed/wanted in life, I just feel like I've hit a brick wall because I don't know what I want or need.
|My life is good, I just need to find myself in the midst of all the chaos.|