Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Living With Purpose On Purpose

Since Connor was born there has been part of me that feels lost. Not sure what feels lost and because of that its been hard to pinpoint what I need to do to find it. I am here, but where do I go from here.

You have to put a big part of yourself on the back burner when you first become a mom. Connor's first six months of life I don't think "I" really existed. After he started sleeping through the night and became easier to leave with family or a sitter I started to find myself again. BUT it was only from time to time, "I" was still waiting behind the scenes.

At Connor's year birthday I could feel the balance between mommy and Amanda. He loved to play independently and slept through most nights. What more could a mom ask for!? Here I am six months later and I'm still feeling lost. I'm ready for myself to jump back into the ring of life but I just can't seem to find it.

At first I thought the lost feeling came from being unhappy in my employment situation. I had a nice job but didn't want to work for them anymore. I was ready for the "next thing" and wanted to move on. It took me a while to find the "next thing" but I finally did. I started my new job this March. The new job had me excited and I was feeling like a "new" me. I'm back to feeling lost now that the newness of the job has worn off.

I used to teach and practice Reiki on a regular basis. I used to bead on a regular basis. I used to meet up with girlfriends on a regular basis. I look at these options for finding myself and none of them seem appealing. While I love Reiki, beading and hanging out with girlfriends, I feel like I need to do some soul searching and find out want I need from within myself, not outside.

I'm tired of getting caught up in the negative, the drama, and the mundane every day. I'm ready to start living with purpose! I want my actions to mean something and to accomplish something.

I'm having a "Girls Night In" in August. My close girlfriends are coming over and we're going to make Vision Boards. Vision Boards are a collage of pictures put together to help you focus on what you are looking to accomplish (long story short).

I guess my problem is now that I'm not sure what I want my Vision Board to look like or work towards! I know when I start making it I'll be guided in the right direction. Its just hard to, "Let go and let God" these days. I've always been good at manifesting what is needed/wanted in life, I just feel like I've hit a brick wall because I don't know what I want or need.

My life is good, I just need to find myself in the midst of all the chaos.

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