Don't cry over spilled milk

Whoever coined the phrase, "Don't cry over spilled milk" was obviously not a breastfeeding/pumping working mother.

I have come to a crossroad about whether or not I should continue breastfeeding and pumping. My original goal for breastfeeding was until I went back to work. Then we bought a pump and my goal became 6 months, and then later, after I realized how easy it was for us, it became a year. In the last month my supply has dropped and we have encountered some bumps in our smooth sailing path of breastfeeding. It has me questioning whether to keep at it or throw in the towel.

Now that Connor is eating solid foods and on an evening schedule it makes it difficult for me to want to spend chunks of my evening pumping. In a given day I spend at least 5-6 hours pumping, cleaning my pump parts, planning out my supply, and packing up my pump for the next day.

I feel that if I could spend that time with Connor he would be getting more out the quality mommy time than the antibodies from the breast milk. I would be happier spending time with my son than stressing about how many ounces I've pumped for the day. A person in one of my online groups said it best, "A happy mommy equals a happy baby".

I will be sad to let go of breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is the one thing I am very glad we were able to do. I know there are many women who are not able to produce enough milk or the baby can't latch. We are very fortunate that Connor was born a pro and didn't have any issues. We are very fortunate that my milk came in the second day after birth. I will have the memories of us bonding and spending that special time together.

The sadness in my heart about letting go of all of this will be replaced by my excitement in the horizon. I'll be able to run errands after work without having to come home to pump first. I'll be able to make it to my yoga class at the gym after work because pumping won't be holding me up. I'll be able to take care of dinner earlier so there will be extra time with Connor before bed. The list goes on and on.

So as Connor turns 6 months I'm hanging up the pump and nursing bras and looking forward to making some awesome wholesome baby food.

Today Show vs Playhouse Disney

Getting ready for work in the morning has changed drastically for me.

My husband leaves for work before daycare opens so that leaves me the person to myself ready for work and the baby ready for daycare. Let me say I am NOT a morning person.

The Today Show used to on the television in the morning when I got ready for work. I never really paid attention to it because I was usually running around like a crazy maniac trying get out the door on time. I would catch the weather, traffic and then out the door I went. Now when I'm getting ready and packing up everything for me and the baby for the day I keep him in his walker, sitting on the floor or when he was really little in the bouncy seat.

About a month ago I was running around and looked over at my baby sitting on the couch staring at the TV. This was the first time he actually looked like he was paying attention and taking in what was on the screen. Before this you could tell he was just fascinated by the lights and the noise. I realized my Today Show mornings were over. Yes I love catching the latest on world events, knowing the weather for the day and which route I should take to work, BUT I don't need my baby being 3 years old and up to date on the latest oil spill crisis, the war in Iraq and the status of our economy.

I'm not a fan of sitting a baby in front of the television but it is helpful in the morning. Now Playhouse Disney is on in the morning, starting with Handy Manny and then Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I actually find myself enjoying the morning even more. Partly because the baby is laughing and enjoying cartoons and partly because I'm not being hit the negativity of the morning news.

Now if there is anyway for me to turn into a morning person and remember everything necessary for the day.

Who Am I?

Before getting pregnant I had a pretty good idea of who I was. Stepping into the role of being a "Mom" has blurred lines and views of who I am.

I was a wife.

I was a friend to many wonderful girlfriends.

I enjoyed working outside the home.

I was a holistic practitioner/educator.

I am still all of these things. Now I am "Mom" first and foremost. Then my role as wife, friend, employee, holistic health practitioner/educator follows.

I am married to my best friend and look forward to waking up every morning knowing we are working towards the same goals and building a life together. It amazes me that we created life and have this little replica of our genes.

I have some of the best girlfriends a woman could ask for. I feel I see them few and far between these days but stepping into my new role as "Mom" some how makes it ok. I know they are an email/phone call away.

I spent four years going to college and worked hard to have the job that I have now. At first it was really hard to want to work and leave Connor at daycare. Each day got easier and easier. Now I know my little one is in safe hands growing, socializing and learning a schedule while I am contributing to supporting our household.

Since the birth of Connor, I have started to be more selective of how many clients I am seeing and how many classes I am teaching. My weekend and evening time is sacred to me because I'm spending as much time as I can with the Connor.

Being a "Mom" now means timing feedings between running errands, keeping my fingers crossed that he sleeps through the night, engaging his mind to help him grow, trying to catch every smile possible, spending my lunch break pumping breast milk so I can provide him the best nutrients possible, monitoring how regular he is because he's started solids, making him laugh so my heart skips a beat, worrying that maybe I'm not doing something right, surfing the web to find out what his next steps are, and soothing him anytime he's cranky.

I am a "Mom" who still enjoys her wine but schedules around breastfeeding. I am a "Mom" who still loves to snuggle with her husband every night but has to wait until Connor's last feeding. I am a "Mom" who misses lunch with her girlfriends on Saturday afternoons but needs to catch up on housework from the week before. I am a "Mom" who tries to take time and meditate but falls asleep after a long day.

I am a "Mom" who's heart has been filled with to the top with love in the last six months and it grows every morning I see him smiling at me from in his crib. I know I'm only getting a glimpse of the love that is to come.